Safe Inside NOW

I recently had another major disappointment. I had dated a real nice guy for about a year when we decided to become engaged to be married. We figured we would give ourselves 5 years maximum for our engagement if we needed that much time before marriage.

After moving into his house and making it a clean and lovely home with a financial investment and many hours in the garden and several highly memorable family gatherings, he became defensive and distant. We were in our third year.

I could not influence him to be consistent with communicating his feelings, wishes, hopes, desires. His behaviors were erratic. I had become the opposition. I had to realize that I was not experiencing love. I went another year trying  different approaches and even saw a therapist. He refused to see mine or his own therapist. There was, and still is a very strong connection between us. But he has made it perfectly clear that he does not want to see me.

My head is full of every memory, every encounter, every joy, every heightened moment we shared. But it is over. I have to face it. Today, like yesterday, I am pulled into the past and feel nothing but regret. I look into the future and wonder about myself with apprehension. The only place that feels good is the NOW.

I started practicing being in the NOW in the 60’s. I heard about The Summer of Love as it happened when I was 13 years old. In that age bracket, most kids freeze-dry the world and store it forever in their brains. To this day, my  “Peace Movement” includes the freedom of every living thing to flourish to it highest potential. Classic Rock soothes my soul. I am keyed into Eco-systems. I do yoga and meditate. And I made my own fashion career on the belief that folks need to express themselves with their clothing choices because I see it as an art form.

I thrive in the NOW. It’s very beautiful there. One moment spills into the next. It’s almost like walking on air.

With this latest disappointment, it feels like I’m taking refuge inside the NOW. Hiding there. Anything outside of it brings feelings of longing, striving in a way that gropes at the air for a loving man who is almost ghost-like. Yes, once again, I have proven to myself that Being in the NOW is where I want to be. It’s beautiful there.